Paul and Clare

  • Paul and Clare

    Paul and Clare have been married for two years. They argue a lot and are seeking help with communication. Clare often gets angry with Paul and feels he is 'not there'. Paul stays silent or leaves the room when Clare yells at him. We identified habitual patterns whereby Paul's tendency to withdraw in himself would lead Clare to feel 'abandonned' and Clare, feeling alone, would 'protest', i.e yell,at Paul, from despair at feeling so disconnected from him. Paul, in turn, would retreat and withdraw not out of lack of care and concern, but out of anxiety. Leaving the room or staying silent was the only way he knew to 'placate' a disappointed partner. Once these cycles of behaviour were identified, we worked on soothing each partner anxieties and Paul and Clare learnt to identify and articulate their needs for connection and comfort from the other. Paul and Clare started to feel more connected, with Paul withdrawing less and Clare getting angry less as she was now feeling 'heard'.